


For However Far We Go

by spiderlillium



Series: Numbers [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood and Gore, M/M, the 104th are all dead except for Mikasa and Historia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-12
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-06 09:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5412110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiderlillium/pseuds/spiderlillium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The titans are gone, and the job is done. Levi and Erwin decide to see the world, but only with one set of eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For However Far We Go

The price to pay for freedom is great – in many, different ways. This is not new to the walled humanity, but it does not take away the pain it causes in the end.

  
It smells like rotting flesh everywhere – the stink of it attracts flies and crows and vultures, inviting them for the bountiful feast of dead humans and animals. The walls have fallen, and the titans within them have woken from their century-old slumber, only to destroy one another, like every other titan in existence. Commander Erwin Smith and the promising young mind of Armin Arlelt devised such a plan – ambitious and risky, but if it were to work, Humanity would be rid of the titans both outside _and_ inside the walls.  
  
But it failed.  
  
Panic and misunderstanding spread like fire on fuel, even with the Queen's convincing words. The evacuation plan that would have kept the masses safe collapsed in on itself, causing thousands upon thousands of deaths, both civilians and soldiers alike.  
  
There was nothing they could have done. Something went wrong along the way, but they couldn't have stopped it – Eren had already given the command, and once the titans within the walls had stirred, there was no turning back.  
  
The price to pay for freedom is great, the currency of it varying from tears to blood. They go together, this liquid salt of clear and red. Mikasa Ackerman gives her tears for the comrades she grew to love, for the two best friends she considered as family – and in return, they give her blood, flowing and drying on the dusty ground. There are many more tears shed from different people, and more blood seeping into the earth from a hundred more – because for the greater part of it all, this is the currency that had to be paid when Death reached out and opened his palm to receive.  
  
When the carrion had gone and only graves remained, the next price that had to be paid was loss and guilt. Queen Historia had lost her friends, her lover, her known world – and while the threat of titans no longer loomed over them like a storm cloud, the gazes of those left behind lingered on _her_ , tormenting her. This was her fault – she gave the royal approval, she spoke to the masses and hoped. She held humanity in her hands like wax dolls, and when it is over they melted under the heat and dripped through her fingers, leaving her hands scorched and raw.  
  
The price to pay for freedom is great, and it did not end there, perhaps it never will. It will always linger in all of humanity, a dark secret they will keep till their dying breath, and pass on to the generations to come. Wounds would heal, scars will fade, civilizations would rise again – but in the end there will always be a time where humanity would remember that day, and marvel and ache for the price that had to be paid.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
And like everybody else, Levi Ackerman also paid the price.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
It wasn't apparent, immediately. He had not been injured mortally – something which he is greatly surprised of, but he didn't have much time to entertain the thought when for the _last_ time, he lived to know that his squad had perished, save from one Mikasa Ackerman.  
  
The feeling wasn't new to him, but its just as painful, perhaps even more so that day. The sound of Eren's voice is still clear in his head, as is the look of determination in Armin's eyes. Sasha made him promise he'd let her eat some meat when the battle is over, and Connie swore he'd re-invent the police force to make his family proud when he lives through it all. Jean told everyone to keep their asses alive, threatening them that he'd kill them if one of them fell prey to a titan. They all joked and laughed and _promised_ that they'll go see the vast blue ocean, feast and celebrate and _live_.  
  
But only Mikasa remained, weeping and screaming. They are all dead, and it added salt to her wounds because _she_ was left behind.  
  
He approached her when her anguished wails made her incapable of voicing out her grief any longer. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes were swollen from crying, and she turned slowly at the touch on her shoulder.  
  
Levi did not offer her words of comfort. He gazed upon the bodies of his soldiers, and decided to take off his cloak to cover up the gore of Eren's crushed head. At arm's length Mikasa could only sob, clutching the key to that fateful basement in her hand, screwing her eyes shut as if it will make the sight go away.  
  
They mourned the death of their comrades together for a moment, and saluted them, the best way they can, the next.  
  
Levi saw Hanji after a while of searching around. It made him want to pull her into an embrace out of relief because there's still _someone_ left, he wasn't alone yet. He very nearly does, but the look on her face made his heart fall to the ground and instantly he _knows_ – Erwin. Something had happened to Erwin.  
  
He finds the Commander of the Survey Corps at the brink of death. He's bleeding both inside and outside his body, being found pinned against a fallen titan, his dead horse, and the remains of an unidentified building. Erwin left a trail of red as he was transported to one of the make-shift tents, his face and body bloody after a splintered wooden beam had fallen down on him, among other debris.  
  
Levi remembered thinking – this is it. Erwin was going to die. His right leg bone was sticking out of his flesh, his left foot looked like it was stepped on by a titan, and his stomach was bloated and in an alarming shade of purple. There were cuts everywhere, bleeding, exposing flesh or bone. Levi forced himself to look – and he saw Eren, with his crushed skull and smashed brain and _dead_ body, and for a lingering moment, he wanted to scream.  
  
He did not want to become like Mikasa, so he walked away.  
  
Levi Ackerman is a godless man, but for a day, he chose to believe. He prayed – to the wall gods, to the sun gods, to the god of death, and to every other god out there – he prayed, and _begged._ Not today. We haven't had the chance to live yet, to _love_. _Please,_ not today.  
  
Three days later, the gods answered his prayers.  
  
Erwin Smith lived, but he will never be the same again.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
  
They had always dreamed of one thing – traveling. It was a fantasy when the titans existed still, just a thought to entertain their weary hearts during times of downfall and failures – something of which they never fell short on.  
  
They would lie together, eyes staring up at the ceiling like they were children, while Erwin described the things in the banned books he had read from within some nobleman's private library. Levi would always listen to him, tell him what places he'd rather go to first, and Erwin would reciprocate his interest – and in that moment they could _pretend_ , just for a little while, that the world was safe and responsibility did not weigh heavily on their shoulders.  
  
But looking at Erwin now, Levi realized that they could never experience the world _together_.  
  
Eight months pass easily, and the aftermath of the Last Battle is clear on Erwin's body. The once blue eyes that stared ahead so fiercely turned gray – the other, so irreparable and damaged, it had to be taken out. Two strong legs that worked efficiently before now limped, his muscles able to support his weight upright but now incapable to provide that signature gait that commanded respect from everyone who saw him. Scars littered Erwin like a decoration – pink, white, bulging, vein-like – from his handsome face to his chest, the sculpted form of his abdomen, his legs. Erwin Smith looked like a different man, a _defeated_ man – but when he heard Levi's voice for the first time after he dodged Death's scythe, he smiled that old smile and Levi thought – its alright. I _still_ have him, and that is the important thing.  
  
He never brought up anything about re-discovering the world, about the dreams he and Erwin nursed behind closed doors. Levi formally resigned as Captain of the Survey Corps along with Erwin's timely departure as Commander (as he was unfit to work), and both lived in a small house – which was repaired, gratefully – in the inner districts that was granted for them by the Queen.  
  
It is painfully domestic and simple, this routine that they fell into after the war. Erwin did nothing but lie down and sleep as his wounds were still fresh, and Levi was left to do most of the housework – not that he minded. They had few real possessions, most of them lost in the rubble, and that made their home bare of clutter.  
  
The hard work was taking care of Erwin – changing his bandages twice daily, keeping him clean, preparing his food, keeping his night terrors tame. There were times that he would wake up in the dead of night screaming in horror – and it was worse when he gets sick and comes down with a fever, as the nightmares grow more potent.  
  
Sometimes, it is Levi who wakes up in the middle of the night with cold sweat on his forehead. He dreams of his mother, of Kenny, of Farlan and Isabel and the city down under. Before him he sees all the men and women he had killed to get to the top, and they turn into titans and chase after him for his flesh. With his blade he cuts them down, and when the titans lie dead on the ground his fallen soldiers emerge from their necks. They call out to him, blaming him for their misery, bloodied and broken and in pain, arms extended and reaching out.  
  
Levi gives his all to best his screams – he still has a job to do. It will not make it any better if he gave in to the nightly dark dreams. He needs to take care of Erwin.  
  
So, he does.  
  
  
  
…  
  
  
  
Around them, Humanity healed.  
  
Slowly, the towns within the now non-existent walls mended themselves – the folk, or what's left of them, gradually building again what was lost in the war. There were so few people now, nearly less than a thousand, Hanji estimated, but they had to work with what they had. Men built houses, women tended to the animals and crops, and children helped, as much as they can. It was a cycle – wake up, eat, build, sleep.  
  
At first, Levi did not participate in this act of cooperation. As much as he wanted to lend a hand, he can't leave Erwin, especially in his fragile state. Everyday he would hear wood being pounded on, horses stomping past, the chatter of people – it was as if they were excluded from the world, but Levi did not mind the isolation it brought. What's important is Erwin, and that he healed properly.  
  
He would only go out when he needed to bring supplies back home, and that is how Levi got to know what was happening around them. Hanji, who now assumed the position of Commander of the Survey Corps, usually was the one who filled him in with the details. Sometimes, it was Mikasa. Whoever it was, the news he received contained one basic ingredient – the eventual exploration of the world outside the walls.  
  
The voices of the world never did reach Erwin's ears even as the seasons passed. Levi asked anyone who would visit them in their tiny abode to never speak about the exploration – and if Erwin asked, they would tell him that they do not know or that it's still early to do so.  
  
Strangely, Erwin did not even bother to ask – in fact, he was mostly quiet. Levi thought it was concerning, but the silence was convenient.  
  
This routine of theirs carried on come winter. By now the masses had settled in the heart of Sina, for here there are considerably more houses that were not badly destroyed by the war compared to the other districts. They were only a little town now, smacked right in the middle of a sea of rubble – but it was alright, as they had prepared for the coming cold. A form of government had been established once more, and thankfully, this time, the folk had learned to listen and cooperate. Grain were planted in the spring, and harvested and kept for the cold months. Most of the wood they could scavenge in the remnants of toppled down homes were reused either as construction material or as fuel to burn in each home's hearths. Livestock were kept and bred, and distributed accordingly. There weren't much complaints, for every single one worked for their bread and butter, and for the roof over their heads.  
  
Levi did the same. He received the monthly ration of grain, and a portion of salted meat to go with it. He learned to plant some other crops in the fall, so he and Erwin could eat a few vegetables come winter. He stocked up on wood to kindle their fire, looted many a house for fur and blankets to keep them warm, raided their pantry for spices, salt and cured meat, plundered their cabinets for better kitchenware, thicker coats, new clothes, sharper knives, fluffier pillows and their armory for swords and guns for protection. Their stock were plenty to last them through the winter months, and Levi did his best to manage their household without the Queen knowing that he was stealing from almost all of the dead men's homes.  
  
Despite Levi's meticulous preparation, Erwin caught a cold a month into the season. His wounds have healed nicely, but his body was only on it's way to full recovery – the chill did not do him good. For days, he nursed a fever so high it made him hallucinate in his waking hours, and when he's sane he coughed till he ran out of breath.  
  
It was worrisome, but all Levi could do was make Erwin comfortable. This too shall pass, he thought. Erwin survived the war. He can survive the cold.  
  
The lemons he had stocked had all gone and he had mastered the art of making porridge when finally, Erwin emerged from his sickness two weeks later. He was weak and a little thin, but alive. Levi abandoned all precautions by then and kissed his lover deep for the first time in a long time, his exhaustion and worry pouring out of him like a torrent of rain – but Erwin pushed him away gently after one kiss.  
  
“It's alright, Levi,” His voice was croaky from the lack of use. Erwin turned to look at Levi, his remaining grayed eye missing it's intended target by a few inches. “You can go.”  
  
Levi felt like he was punched in the gut.  
  
“Don't let me keep you.” continued Erwin in his hoarse voice, still looking at Levi but not seeing, “Don't let what we have stop you. I know how much you wanted to explore the world – and with the titans gone, here is your chance. Ride away. Reap the fruits of your sacrifices. You've earned it well.”  
  
Levi stared at Erwin hard, gripping the wooden bowl of porridge in his hand so fiercely that his knuckles turned white. Somehow, Erwin's words all fitted into place – the last piece of the puzzle Levi didn't bother to solve, yet was there all along, waiting.  
  
In all of his life, he had never been so angry so fast.  
  
“Alright,” Levi began, slamming the bowl on the side table. The porridge – which was supposed to be Erwin's meal – spilled messily because of the force. _“Fine._ Don't let me interrupt your fucking pity party – because that's all you wanna do, don't you? Fucking good for you.”  
  
“What was I even doing all these months? _Holy shit_ – I've _wasted_ my time, that's what I did!” Levi stood up from the rickety old stool he never had the time to repair, and paced around their little house, almost hysterical. “Completely used it up in an old, incapacitated, blind, _miserable_ asshole who's only good in one thing – feeling sorry for himself! Because let's face it: who's gonna want to spend their time caring for a fool who lives most of his days sick than he is awake?”  
  
Erwin said nothing in return, and that made Levi almost consider punching his lover square on the face.  
  
“You're right,” Levi spat, his chest heaving from the effort of shouting and being angry, “I fought and I survived – I should have gone. Instead I _stayed_ – I tended to your wounds, cooked your meals, woke you up when you had bad dreams. Hell, I even changed you every morning when you couldn't move from the bed!  
  
“I stole for you and protected you, put myself under scrutiny for you. But in the end, what I want doesn't fucking count, does it?”  
  
Erwin still had his head inclined to regard Levi. His face was marred with numerous scars and one eye had been taken out, which was rather ghastly to look upon – yet even with all of these, he still had the ability to look authoritative.  
  
“Do you realize what you've chosen, Levi?”  
  
“Do you really think I'd stay if I didn't understand shit?”  
  
Erwin gave a sigh and shook his head. “I don't want to condemn you to another life on a leash.”  
  
Levi scoffed. Then snorted. Then laughed.  
  
“You're a manipulative son of a bitch, Erwin, but I have my own brain. I followed you all those years ago because I _wanted_ to, and stayed till the end because of the same reason. I make my own decisions. So don't fucking tell me to go – I'll fucking go if I want to, and I'll fucking stay if I damn well please.”  
  
Erwin still looked unconvinced. Levi was positively itching to slap that expression off his face.  
  
“The world awaits you, Levi. It's all out there – just one ride and you'd see the wonders we've all ached to achieve so long ago... I'm only holding you back.” The blond paused, the lines on his face deepening – he was frowning. “I will only be a burden to you. I _already_ am.”  
  
“I _do_ want to see the world and be the first to do it – but all of that is _nothing_ to me if you're not there.” Levi said with a surprising amount of hesitation – like he's afraid to be called out on saying something so affectionate. “Don't you get it, Erwin? This is my chance. I get to have a life outside of the Underground and the titans – without fear, without desperation. There are no more boundaries. I get to _live_. And I chose to spend it with you.”  
  
At this very moment, Erwin looked back down on his lap – or at least he intended to, because his eye only managed to dart toward one of his knees. “I am blind and a cripple. I can't even walk on my own without your help – much less, manage outside the walls...”  
  
“So? I'll carry you if I have to.” Levi huffed, like Erwin said something silly. He went back to the bed and sat on the edge of it, looking at him with his eyebrows drawn. “If I'm traveling, I'm traveling with you.”  
  
Erwin followed Levi's voice, and inclined his head toward the sound. His gray eye had gotten watery, blinked tears smeared on his pale eyelashes.  
  
Levi reached out to wipe the wetness away, wishing Erwin wouldn't push him away this time.  
  
Erwin closed his eye and did not resist.  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> Updates on this one will be terribly slow. So if you're gonna stick around, I'm so sorry.


End file.
